Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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