Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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