Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
