you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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