u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
