Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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