Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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