i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
