Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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