i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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