Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
