Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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