One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
