I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
