I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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