I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
