Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
