It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
