You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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