if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
