I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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