:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
