On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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