no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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