Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
