I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
