I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
