THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
