Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
