3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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