Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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