Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
