you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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