mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
