I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
