I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
