when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
