Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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