Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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