Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
