textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
