hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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