I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
