I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
