can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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