Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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