Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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