He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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