I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
