the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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