guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
