Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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