I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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