A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
