I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
