if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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