You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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