I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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