I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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