Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
